Coming Out of the Watchtower: Why Is It So Difficult?
By Randall Watters
(edited)
"Why can't you just walk away from that religion and never go back? They don't have any hold on you!"
Have you ever said that to a person struggling with leaving a cult or manipulative church? If so, you were no doubt unawares of the degree of emotional and psychological control that cults have over their members. Why is it so hard for them to leave, even when they know that something is seriously wrong with the religion? And, once they leave, why is it so hard to be "normal" and go to church like anyone else?
The June 1991 issue of "Longevity" magazine ran a brief testimony of a young man who was raised by a very religious mother, who told him from a very young age that the only way he could be proud of his life was if he never had sex and became a Catholic priest. Joshua Butler was isolated at school to keep him away from friends that might introduce him to the ways of the world. His mother prayed for five hours a day and made Joshua and his father recite the rosary on their knees nightly, even in front of guests. She banned all movies and TV from their lives when Joshua was eight. He says, "She was the founder and sole member of The League for Modesty in Dress, and forced my father and I to go to Mass every day."
By the age of nine, Joshua shared his struggle regarding his rigid lifestyle with his father. They devised a plan: "Every Saturday, when my mother allowed us to visit parks and planetariums, my father and I would instead go to movies and listen to popular music and for a while completely forget the life to which my mother subjected us." Joshua and his father managed to discover a coping device to maintain their sanity and sense of reality with the outside world. "Movies were my salvation. They showed me that life is a story, a fascinating and complex and meaningful story. And I understood that this applied to my life as well."
Joshua and his father confronted his mother with their unbelief in her religion when he was eleven. She separated from her husband, and later married a man 16 years her junior who shared her religious fervor. "Every once in a while she sends me a leaflet or a tape that suggests that I'm going to hell, and around the holidays she calls, but only to preach or to make small talk as if nothing has changed." Joshua (now 17) and his father were the victims of a cult of one person.
The tools of manipulation were fear of God, guilt, and the need to keep the peace around the home. Isolation was used to prevent Joshua from having a well-developed sense of reality about life. The demand for purity and the tool of confession were used to make Joshua feel guilty for entertaining normal desires.
People who have never been involved in legalistic churches or cults cannot appreciate these powerful factors that keep a person from just walking away. To the person who has a well-developed sense of reality and even a little self-confidence, it seems incredible that people can be victims of these cultic groups. A recent Sally-Jessy Raphael Show interviewed three young men who were once trapped in cults and later deprogrammed, and also interviewed their mothers who worked so hard to get their sons out. The three young men unanimously agreed that in the religions they were involved with, they were totally different persons, victims of mind control by powerful church leaders. They were even directed to turn against their parents.
Leaving the Watchtower
As you read the letters to the editor in this Newsletter, you will hear of similar stories of those who have spent many years of their lives in the Watchtower Society organization. For some of them, it took a long time to finally leave. The reasons were fear, guilt and insecurity; fear that God would punish them for rejecting Him (since leaving the organization is equated with leaving God), guilt over entertaining thoughts of leaving, and the insecurity of making it through life apart from the "mother" organization. Jehovah's Witnesses are isolated from the start, being told that the Watchtower Society is the only true religion and that the devil is out to mislead them away from it. They are not permitted to read other religious literature or viewpoints on the Bible, nor are they allowed to read anything critical of the Watchtower Society in any way. This form of isolation effectively inoculates them from ever possessing a clear sense of reality. Theirs is an "us versus them" world, in which they offer the only safe haven of thought, and all other persons are regarded as potentially dangerous. Is it any wonder why JWs aren't rushing to leave the organization?
Family members in the Watchtower Society are also a powerful factor. For most Jehovah's Witnesses, their family and their friends at the Kingdom Hall are their only associates. If one leaves the religion, the family usually shuns them as well. For those of us who love our parents and brothers and sisters and their children, the thought of never being able to see them again or talk with them is extremely painful. But this is precisely what faces the Jehovah's Witness who leaves the Watchtower Society.
What You Can Do To Help
DON'T force doctrine on them, by insisting they believe in the Trinity, hell, etc. They are better off dealing with these issues when it is not too frightening for them.
DON'T force church attendance on them, as they have been taught to believe churches are the haven of demons and false doctrine. Give them a little space and they will eventually come around.
DON'T underestimate their trauma. To a Jehovah's Witness leaving the Watchtower Society, it may seem that their entire world is crashing down around them due to fear and insecurity. If you are insensitive to this, they may not confide in you.
DO encourage them to do normal, "fun" things such as taking a vacation, or going to see a movie. The more exposure they have to non-cultists, the better off they are.
DO make them feel loved and accepted regardless of their performance. Show the love of Christ by your attitude and actions.
What You Are Up Against
Many of you may be under the impression that Jehovah's Witnesses joined the WatchTower Society due to the attractive doctrines they present. While this is a factor in most cases, more powerful motivations are at work in the conversion and indoctrination process of the Watchtower Society.
Studies involving persons who are ex-members of various cultic religions reveal a common factor in their indoctrination. The common factor is not low intelligence, genetic predisposition, or even gullibility. Many who join cults are very intelligent, idealistic and even skeptical at first. The common factor is vulnerability, caused by a change of circumstances in a person's life, such as a new job, a recent divorce or broken relationship, or a time of pain or insecurity in one's life. Such a change of circumstances can shake one's foundation, allowing him/her to question beliefs previously settled or not open to discussion.
All of us like to think of ourselves as being objective, able to make wise decisions and to think clearly, considering all the options. But strong emotional factors often cloud our thinking or drive us to a conclusion before all the facts are considered. Let's use the example of a friend who goes to buy a used car from a car agency.
John is looking for a good transportation car, with 50,000 miles or less. He prefers a four-door for the wife and kids, even though he will be using the car most of the time (she has her own). He is willing to spend up to $6000 if necessary. While on the lot, he notices a snappy red sports car that he has often admired on the streets. He tells himself, "No, don't be crazy, you don't want to spend all that money on car and insurance, not to speak of the likelihood of getting tickets!"
The salesman notices his interest in the car immediately, and begins to talk the car up. He has John take it for a drive. ("What the heck! Why not?") The salesman touts the car's horsepower, the leather interior, the stereo, and even works up payments to lessen the impact of its $7,500 price tag. Because John is emotionally predisposed towards the car, he ignores the shoddy paint job, the telltale signs of a previous wreck in the body panels, and transmission troubles when shifting. The salesman, of course, will not point these things out, as he wants to sell the car. Before he knows it, John is driving the car home.
John's wife, Linda, sees him driving up and goes out to greet him. "John, what have you done! You didn't buy this, did you?" Immediately his defenses go up, for two reasons. One, he has always loved these particular cars and secretly wanted one for the last two years. Who is she to keep him from what he knows will make him happy? She just doesn't understand! Secondly, he already feels a little guilty for making such a quick decision without checking everything out, and he doesn't want to face the possibility of being wrong or foolish. So he must become defensive and defend his purchase. John gets angry with his wife.
Note several things here:
John did not buy the sports car because it was the most practical or intelligent thing to do. He did no research on the car by reading Consumer Reports or asking other car owners. He took the word of a biased party, the salesman. He did not take a mechanical-minded friend with him to check the car out. In other words, John did not make an objective decision, but bought it from other, more powerful motivations. Yet, if you ask him, John will tell you that he made the right decision.
This is much like the person who becomes a Jehovah's Witness. Whether it is a housewife who is lonely and needs friends or a young man who is insecure and needs to see the meaning of life, the emotional and psychological motivating factors will prevent the person from weighing all the facts if the Watchtower Society offers something that they really want. Often it is the sense of community and caring atmosphere in the Jehovah's Witnesses that is so attractive. The prospect of having instant friends to a lonely person is a very powerful drug in itself! Furthermore, the ability to see the world in clear, black and white distinctions and to have all the answers of life at one's fingertips quickly dispels any feelings of insecurity and insignificance. The following changes often occur in the person studying with Jehovah's Witnesses:
A sudden feeling of euphoria due to embracing powerful new "truths."
A sense of confidence in one's life, that one is moving in the right direction and getting one's life "straightened out."
Ego gratification in seeing that others are unable to refute one's position, and instead they act out of anger or other emotions.
Inability to entertain thoughts critical to the Watchtower's way of thinking or to dialogue with those critical of the Watchtower.
Christians often don't know what to say when they ask a Jehovah's Witness if they really checked out the Watchtower Society before they got involved, and the Jehovah's Witness answers, "Why yes! I read many books about the history of the Watchtower Society, and I even read one by an ex-witness." What this usually means is that they read the Watchtower Society's version of their own history, and that though they read a book by an ex-witness, they saw it simply as some kind of "hate" book and were not open to any objective points being made. The potential Jehovah's Witness wants the Watchtower Society to be true so badly that he/she is driven to quickly dismiss any facts that may cause "dissonance," or internal struggle, over what is the truth. This is the equivalent of Linda trying to tell John that he made a bad decision in buying the sports car. He simply does not want to hear it, and will not listen without getting emotional and storming out of the house.
In the scene involving Linda and John, it would have been great if John had brought a friend with him to the car dealership who could ask some pointed questions and pressure John to be more practical in making this decision. But is it really too late to ask questions? Maybe in the case of buying the sports car, but not with the person who has already become the Jehovah's Witness. It is never too late to seek the truth and to be willing to reshape one's life in accordance with it. The hard part is in getting the Witness to think clearly and objectively.
I have discovered that the Jehovah's Witness is only willing to entertain the possibility of the Watchtower Society being wrong for two reasons: (1) they have become disillusioned with the organization or the people therein (for whatever reason), and (2) they have become more confident and secure, and are no longer afraid to question the Watchtower Society. They realize their world would not fall apart if it was wrong. Sometimes people even grow beyond the need for such a rigid, controlling structure and are seeking the freedom to think for themselves and not to just trust someone else's judgment.1
Most of those who leave the Watchtower Society do so for the first reason (having become disillusioned). "God's organization" becomes a human organization. The human failings, mind control and manipulation become more obvious as the years go by. Bad experiences with others in the organization temper one's idealism regarding living for eternity on a Watchtower-controlled earth. Once the idealism is lost, it is replaced with either cynicism or a searching for better things. The Jehovah's Witness may start voicing their disillusionment to others, though this is dangerous, as they could be turned in for "apostasy." Often their criticism is limited to a few individuals, perhaps even to those outside of the Watchtower Society organization. Sadly, however, many of these will continue in the Watchtower Society even when they know much of it is in error, simply because they are to afraid to start over or face the insecurity of searching once more.
There are quite a few Jehovah's Witnesses who fit into the second category, though (being no longer afraid to question), and the Watchtower Society no longer holds the same attraction for them. Because they are not primarily influenced by fear or guilt for entertaining doubts, but feel more secure with themselves, they are driven by the hope of something better than the Watchtower Society has to offer, and by faith in a God who may be bigger than the Jehovah of the Watchtower Society. Often they come to this conclusion simply by looking intensely at Christ and seeing something more than what the Watchtower Society has said about Him. One of the most influential passages to me when I was leaving the Watchtower Society was Col. 2:8,9:
"See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception, according to the tradition of men, according to the elementary principles of the world, rather than according to Christ. For in Him all the fulness of Deity dwells in bodily form."
Encourage Positive Thoughts
If the Christian detects that the Jehovah's Witness is one of these two types, they can do several things to encourage the Jehovah's Witness' thinking process. Even if the Jehovah's Witness is bad-mouthing the organization or the people therein, it would not be well to encourage this. The goal is to get them thinking more positive thoughts, and to gain confidence in their own thinking abilities. Additionally, they will appreciate a broader view of God's grace and the freedom He gives. People are usually drawn towards a more positive outlook on things, and if you have nothing better to offer than criticism of the Watchtower Society, they won't see any point in leaving because what you have to offer is no more attractive than what they have.
Many Christians will say that they want to offer them "Jesus," and then proceed to argue the Bible with the Jehovah's Witness. This almost never has any good effect, as they need to SEE and FEEL something better. They need to see your humility, your willingness to understand them, and your desire to be their friend regardless of what they believe. In other words, they need to SEE the love of Christ, not just hear about it.
Here are some tried and tested tips for reaching the Jehovah's Witness with success:
DON'T argue the Bible with them. Stay away from doctrine initially. If they ask doctrinal questions, have a brief answer ready that will take them off guard (such as found in our book, Refuting Jehovah's Witnesses) and then direct the conversation back to more critical questions, such as those found in the tract, "Opening The Closed Mind." The goal is to get them thinking and resolving difficult questions on their own, apart from the Watchtower Society mindset. To do this you need to ask questions that they are not "programmed" to answer. Such questions encourage them to think and reconsider why they joined the WatchtowerSociety.
DON'T tell them you will pray for them or that you feel sorry for them, or tell them they are brainwashed or stupid. Jehovah's Witnesses usually have a strong ego, and quickly take offense to a condescending attitude. Rather, say that you are interested in the Watchtower Society organization and why they have come to believe in it, and do they mind if you ask some questions about the Watchtower Society? (Again, use questions from "Opening The Closed Mind"). A curious or questioning stance is not usually threatening to the Jehovah's Witness, but a negative, judgmental stance will drive them away from you.
DON'T show them all your literature regarding the Jehovah's Witnesses and their faults. This will only scare them away and they will categorize you as one who is prejudiced against the Watchtower Society. Read the books, but keep the points in your head, not under their noses. It will all come in handy eventually.
DO show an interest in them, what attracted them to the Watchtower Society, and what they like the most about it. This will give you a clue as to their primary motivating factors, and what they are REALLY looking for in life. Speak to that need! Offer them something more fulfilling or superior to what they have.
DO read up on the mind control aspects of how cults work. An excellent tool is the book, Combatting Cult Mind Control by Steven Hassan. Also, we have several past issues of the Bethel Ministries Newsletter that discuss the mind control methods employed by the Watchtower Society. Experts usually address the mind control issues before they even bring out the Bible or the photocopies of their false prophecies.
DO pray for them! Pray specifically that God would show them their true needs are not being met in the Watchtower Society, and that He would create a new hunger in them for something better. Pray for a shakeup in their lives that will initiate a more honest investigation of the Watchtower Society organization.
Remember to be patient. It may take months or even years to bring the Jehovah's Witness to openly question the Watchtower Society. Yet love for our friends and relatives drives us to persevere and show them the love and freedom that lies just beyond the Watchtower Society curtain.
FOOTNOTES:
1. In cults, the leader is assumed to be from God or chosen by God, and is therefore qualified to interpret the Bible. The members are not to question his/her authority or interpretation, as they are considered inadequate for the task. When the cultist realizes that he/she is just as qualified as they are if not more so, the fear of "disobeying God" disappears and they feel some what free to entertain questions or doubts. This is a healthy process, and is even encouraged by the Watchtower Society to outsiders regarding other religions, but not towards the Watchtower Society or Jehnovah's Witnesses themselves.
2. When Christians encounter Jehovah's Witnesses that they desire to get out of the Watchtower Society, they may come across one who fits neither of the above types, but is simply "gung ho" for the Watchtower Society. Unless the Holy Spirit is directly working on the person, there may be little hope but to plant seeds in their minds. For this purpose we have printed the tract, "Opening the Closed Mind," which contains many questions to plant as "thoughtbombs" in the Jeovah's Witness' mind.
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What Now, Now What?
By Timothy Campbell.
(edited)
Over the years that I have been offering assistance to ex-Witnesses, I have found that there are two fairly distinct situations that people go through. You might call them the "What Now?" situation and "Now What?" situation.
The "What Now?" situation is a series of small steps away from the Jehovah's Witnesses. I call this the "What Now?" situation because it's seldom clear where your doubts and thoughts have taken you. This process can be nicely described using what is called the "DABDA Model". This summarizes the phases commonly experienced by people who are working through a trauma or dealing with a great loss.
DABDA stands for "Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance". When we have to deal with a crisis, we may experience some or all of these stages. Typically they occur in the same order (that is, DABDA), but some people may skip some steps, or experience them in a different order.
Following the DABDA experience, people experience the "Now What?" situation: they've broken away from the Jehovah's Witnesses and wonder what they're supposed to do next. They also need to learn how to deal with the long-term effects of Watchtower Society conditioning. I find that many people experience "FUD" (a term I've borrowed from the world of advertising), which stands for "Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt."
Moving Through DABDA
Let's take a hypothetical case to demonstrate how DABDA works. We'll follow the progress of a woman named Patricia.
When Patricia first begins to suspect that the Watchtower Society way is less than ideal, she tries not to think about it. This is the Denial phase of DABDA. Some people can live their entire lives in this phase; they feel there's something slightly wrong with the religion, but they can't bring themselves to delve deeper; the benefits they derive from being a Jehovah's Witness overwhelm their sense of doubt.
We should not be surprised that some people stop at the Denial phase. The whole "New Light" doctrine of the Jehovah's Witnesses is a kind of officially sanctioned denial. It says that even if things don't seem right now, don't worry about it for a while and things will be eventually turn out okay. This is known among Jehovah's Witnesses as "Waiting on Jehovah".
Patricia finds that she can't keep pushing her doubts aside, and has come to view the "New Light" doctrine as a stalling tactic. Now she enters the Anger phase. She might become angry at people in her congregation (usually the Elders) and find fault with other Jehovah's Witnesses. In this way, she deflects her doubts; she asserts that the problem is not the religion itself, but the individuals of which it is comprised.
As her anger grows, she may become angry at God for not helping her get over her 'weakness'. This kind of anger typically foreshadows the next phase of DABDA, which is "Bargaining".
Patricia may pray long and hard to be freed from her doubt. She may make 'offerings' by doing more and more preaching. (Some people become Pioneers at this point.) She may put more money in the contribution box. In a sense, she is desperately trying to buy God's help. But no matter how hard she tries, or how humbly she begs for God to erase her doubts, she gets no reprieve. Her faith in the Watchtower Society is not rejuvenated.
They say that "Depression is anger turned inwards". Patricia has now tried many different tactics to restore her faith, and becomes depressed. She may feel unworthy. She may think that she is so inherently bad that God has simply turned his back on her. This feeling of worthlessness starts to color everything in her life. Even simple tasks become difficult.
Some Jehovah's Witnesses at this stage become physically ill. They may not be able to hold down food, or they may stare at the wall for hours, unable to move. They may think they are losing their minds.
Patricia experiences all of these symptoms and feels that her life is over. And just when it seems that there's no point in trying any more, a light dawns. Patricia has reached the point of Acceptance.
She suddenly realizes that maybe -- just maybe -- what the Jehovah's Witnesses are saying isn't true. It seems like an incredible notion. Didn't they prove everything from the Bible? Don't millions of people believe what the Jehovah's Witnesses say? Doesn't God himself smile upon their efforts?
In a liberating flash, Patricia shouts out the word that has been hiding in her heart for so long: "No!" She is not quite sure how "No" could be possible, but deep down inside, she knows that she's on the right course. At the very least, "No" means that she will stop hurting herself. Moreover, the "No" brings forth a "Yes": she is starting to trust her own judgement.
Patricia has gone through the worst part of her recovery. She is now an ex-Witness. Even if she doesn't formally renounce her association with the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society -- even if she still goes to some of their meetings -- in her heart she is no longer a Jehovah's Witness.
But there are many questions left unanswered. She is left with "FUD" (Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt). We'll discuss these in the following sections.
Fear
Ex-Witnesses frequently mention that they continue to fear Armageddon long after they have rejected all other Jehovah's Witness doctrines. They may also express the fear that God doesn't care about them.
It is important to remember the sheer intensity of Watchtower Society indoctrination. You are subjected to a constant barrage of ideas and images, and given little chance to reflect upon what you are told. You are explicitly told to avoid "independent thinking". Such things, they insist, are a sign of pride and impurity. Any defensive skepticism is stripped away until you acquire the focused gullibility that Jehovah's Witnesses call "having an open mind". You are kept busy with new literature and "New Light", never having the time to double-check anything. In the long run, you simply assume that if it's printed in the Watchtower magazine, it's the truth (or as close to the truth as is humanly possible).
Constant repetition can implant ideas firmly in our subconscious, and it isn't easy to extricate them. What now?
It's time to harness your own intelligence and start asking questions for which there are no instant (Watchtower-approved) answers. You can read alternative ideas ('counter-programming'), or you can study the many times the Society has been wrong -- or changed its doctrines.
You will find these techniques helpful, but they do take time. There's no quick fix. It took you a long time to adopt the Watchtower Society way of thinking, so it's going to take a while to undo the conditioning. For example, you may find yourself continuing to refer to the Jehovah's Witnesses as "The Truth", even though that's not what you literally believe.
Uncertainty
During the past few years, I have often been asked, "If the Jehovah's Witnesses don't have the truth, who does?" I've done my best not to preach, or even make any recommendations.
When people leave the Jehovah's Witnesses, they often think that they have to get out there and find the real True Religion. This is an ingrained habit of thinking that they get from having been Jehovah's Witnesses. I personally don't think there is a Real True Religion, just as there is no single shoe that fits every foot.
Different people have different needs, different skills, and look at the universe in different ways. What works for me probably won't work for you. (Indeed, what works for me doesn't always work for me, so who am I to tell people what they should believe?)
The Watchtower Society gives its members something that everybody wants: certainty. When you're a Jehovah's Witness, you're sure you have The Truth. That is a comforting feeling, and people who have lost it yearn to get it back. Some people leave the Jehovah's Witnesses and immediately join a similar group.
Our lives are filled with uncertainty. Will we keep our job? Will we stay healthy? Will some natural disaster sweep away all our possessions? Small wonder, then, that when the Watchtower Society offers certainty, many people are eager to grab it.
There is no constant in life except change. Perhaps you left the Jehovah's Witnesses precisely because they would not change. That is to say, you may have found them inflexible. If that's the case, do you want to join another rigid religion?
Uncertainty can be a heavy burden, and it goes hand in hand with doubt.
Doubt
It's not a bad thing to second-guess our decisions. We know we're not always right. You may be thinking, "Was I right to leave the Jehovah's Witnesses?" The question may bother you, but it's healthy and sensible to think twice about important things.
People tend to see doubt as a negative thing. Yet if we do not doubt, how can we grow as individuals? Without doubt, there is only blind acceptance.
Doubt is not necessarily the opposite of faith -- a quality that many people say we should have. You can have faith that other people will obey traffic laws, but it would be reckless to conclude that it will always be so. A certain amount of faith is helpful when we're entering new intellectual or emotional territory, and faith can help us endure capricious feelings, but in the long run it's our responsibility to think things through.
Doubt is one of our best qualities. Animals, once trained, adhere to their training. They do not doubt. They do not question. They merely follow their conditioning.
We are human -- an animal of sorts, but a special kind of animal. We can think about things, and we can think that maybe our thinking needs to be reviewed. We are not dumb beasts and we are not robots. Why would we choose to squander our inate flexibility?
Conclusion
When people make an emotional break from the Jehovah's Witnesses, they are faced with that difficult question: "Now What?" There is no solution that fits all people, but there are certain actions you can take that will help you find appropriate answers.
The first thing is to take advantage of your new freedom. You can now investigate a wide range of subjects that were previously rejected as "stumbling blocks". You can read textual analyses of the Bible and come to your own conclusions. You can visit different churches. Just one word of warning: as you cast your net wide, remember that ideas that seem attractive aren't necessarily true. Remember how the Watchtower Society pleased you with the illusion of certainty. Your shield is your sense of doubt. I'd like to emphasize that warning. Now that you've left the Jehovah's Witnesses ("detowered", as some people put it), you should keep in mind that there are countless charlatans, self-proclaimed wise men and would-be messiahs out there. Investigate things carefully and always try to hear both sides of any argument. And don't forget to celebrate your new-found freedom to think for yourself.
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(edited)
This article is written for Jehovah's Witnesses or ex-Witnesses who are trying to deal with the emotional turmoil that is common among people who have left, are thinking about leaving, or have been forced to leave.
Goals:
-- To let you know that you are not alone.
-- To help you feel better about leaving.
-- To help you get on with your life.
What Bothers You?
I asked a group of ex-Witnesses the following question: "What bothered you most when you were leaving Jehovah's Witnesses?" The group included people from the United States, Canada, England and Norway.
I do not attempt to give solutions to the problems expressed here, nor do I necessarily agree with all the points raised. I present them to you in the hope that you will identify with some of these people, and appreciate that doubt is a normal, healthy human quality.
Social Themes
"At school, I had seen kids 'sent to Coventry' -- an english expression that means that the child is ignored by the rest of the class. It's childish and hurtful. When a disfellowshipped Jehovah's Witness started attending our congregation and the same happened to him, under the direction of adults, then I could not accept that this was right."
"I noticed a ubiquitous self-complacency that caused a lack of willingness to help distressed people."
"When I left, I lost my social life and friends."
"I had nowhere else to go for spiritual association."
"I was distressed by their habit of shaming those that are disfellowshipped by not speaking to them."
"Going to all of the required meetings, field service, elder's meetings, and preparation for all of this, created a great deal of stress in my life. I was trying to plan my life around the Watchtower Society's requirements -- and it was never enough. Providing for my family, personal growth, time with my family and friends -- these things always took second place to the demands of 'Jehovah's Organization'."
"I didn't like their thinly veiled propagation of hatred towards others."
"I had an ever growing spiritual void as a Jehovah's Witness. Usually I was too busy to notice the spiritual emptiness, but it kept growing. I would try denying it to myself, and could never talk about it with a trusted friend in the Kingdom Hall (for indeed, one can never really trust the confidence of one who is owned by the Watchtower Society). I was experiencing a spiritual emergency with no one to offer first aid."
"We switched congregations because of the very bad spiritual milieu. The presiding overseer beat his wife and children, but he was a working machine and did so many good things for the congregation, so no action was taken against him."
"I am not satisfied with the excuse that 'Jehovah will take care of things in His own time'. This is used to justify unethical, illegal and immoral practices within the congregation, especially when pioneers, elders or ministerial servants are involved."
"I observed a total loss of love and care for each other inside the Jehovah's Witnesses. For the first time, I can see what unconditional love means. The loss of this kind of love makes a foundation for slandering, which is very common in Jehovah's Witness congregations."
"I worried about losing my family, since they were all Jehovah's Witnesses. I had to decide whether to disassociate myself or try to fade away. I worried about what to do with my life."
"My self-disassociation had a terrible effect on my family life. I was disowned by my mom."
"When I disassociated myself, I wrote directly to the WatchTower Society, informing them of my decision, asking never to be contacted again in regards to the matter. For the next year, I received calls from elders I had never even met, from various congregations that I had never been a part of -- they asked me if I was 'sure' and they wanted to give me another chance. I was harrassed for a year until they finally announced that I had been disfellowshipped, not that I had disassociated myself."
"I noticed the ease with which brothers and sisters can turn off their 'love' if you dare to question the Society or if you point out what appears to be hypocrisy within the congregation."
"The principle of 'submission' requires Jehovah's Witness sisters to tolerate verbal, emotional, physical and mental cruelty even from their Jehovah's Witness husbands in good standing. They are not able to separate from them without being viewed as the 'problem'. I know of one couple (now divorced) where the husband treated the wife like a doormat. He belittled her publicly, wouldn't allow her to use the phone, drive their car, or let her have money unless she detailed what she would be spending it on. When she spoke with some elders, they recommended that she 'wait on Jehovah', 'persevere in prayer' and so on. She had a breakdown, was in hospital (I was her only visitor) and when she went home, her husband treated her just the same. She left him, and the elders disfellowshipped her. One told us that she was 'immature' because she abandoned her husband -- that she was wrong not to stay and try to make things better. I disagreed, on the grounds that if he loved her 'as he loved himself' he would treat her accordingly. I said that nobody -- male or female -- is scripturally required to put up with abuse of any sort. Some time after she was disfellowshipped, her husband was appointed as a ministerial servant."
"My parents' continual arguments and the tension in the house did not reflect what we had been taught about 'god is love'. The gloom and despair of the house was smothering. My parents spent more time, and valued higher, their religion than their family -- they rejected me when I showed signs of 'falling away'. This situation continued over 20 years later -- it's only in the last eight years (at my wife's insistance) that I have had any contact with my family."
Armageddon Themes
"Even after I left the Jehovah's Witnesses, I was afraid I'd die at Armageddon -- deep down, I was conditioned to believe it would come."
"I was bothered by the pressure of living under the threat of Armageddon in 1975. I never thought that I would live to be 21 and that psychological weight almost froze my brain. I realise now that I was severely depressed and remember standing on my bedroom windowsill on occasion, ready to throw myself off."
"I thought I would be destroyed at Armageddon."
"I couldn't accept the idea that good people would be destroyed. I knew a lot of nice people, and if I was given the decision, I never would have wanted them dead."
Self-Esteem Themes
"I felt evil and dirty before I left the Jehovah's Witnesses. I continued to feel that way for years afterwards."
"After I left, I had low self esteem. Leaving made me feel inferior to Jehovah's Witnesses."
"I was constantly distraught over not being able to keep all commandments."
"It seems that only loyal Jehovah's Witnesses are valuable and worth helping. We are always compelled to do more field service, more regular meeting attendance, more personal 'study' as remedies for every problem."
"The total lack of love between the people 'inside'. Spreading of rumours, talking behind everybodys backs, the whole idea about the elite-thinking."
"I thought I was sinning against Jehovah by leaving."
"I never felt 'saved'. I never felt good enough. I never felt like I had put in enough hours. I distrusted my thoughts and sexual urges. Frankly, I had grave doubts that I would get through Armageddon. Now that I'm out of the Jehovah's Witnesses, I see that there was nothing wrong with me. I was a good person, but I never knew it."
Organizational Themes
"I was turned off by the judgmentalism. I, and others, also describe this as black-and-white thinking. The organization divides everything up -- Jehovah's/Satan's organization, godly/worldly, theocratic/untheocratic etc. This allows for no middle ground at all -- no balance. In the organzation 'balance' meant being fully 'theocratic' while moving ahead at the speed of light (keeping up with that fast-moving chariot God rides in the book of Ezekiel!). I now believe that this definition of balance is closer to 'compulsion'. Anyway, the division of everything into these tightly defined dualities allows Jehovah's Witnesses to find no common ground, no way to really grasp the mystery of life on earth, no room for the ineffable. This is a critical flaw of the organization, in my view."
"Within the Jehovah's Witnesses, initiatives are seldom taken; waiting for organizational directives is preferred."
"The double standards. One rule for some -- quite another for other members of the congregation. What was allowed was a question of who you were."
"I disliked the lies, the hypocrisy, and the changing 'light'."
"I didn't like the hierarchical nature of the organization with its nasty circuit overseers."
"I couldn't tolerate the fact that the organization was controlled by unbelievably stupid individuals."
"The meetings were so boring!"
"I got bored with the meetings, and the 'spiritual food'. I was exposed to the Jehovah's Witnesses from the age of ten, and was baptized at 18. For 20 years after baptism, I put my heart and soul into the Watchtower Society faith. I really believed it, and questioned very little. I pioneered, was a ministerial servant, bible study servant (thus committee member), elder (presiding overseer). I don't see how anyone could have believed it was the 'truth' any more than me. Slowly, though, boredom with the meetings started to set in. Eventually, nearly all of the meetings became a bore. The 'spiritual food' became cold leftovers. I faked illness to stay home. I watched a little TV while home from a meeting, and received more spiritual food from some of the educational programs than I was getting from 'Jehovah's table'."
"I disliked the whole disfellowshipping system. The secret ways of the tribunal. The total lack of religious freedom that forces believing v Witnesses to shun their friends and family. I guess that the fact that my mother-in-law was disfellowshipped years ago and we should (but couldn't) shun her made me see that there was something wrong there."
"There is a great abuse of power by elders, Circuit Overseers and the Society in general. The real problem is that things that are done are attributed to God. They assume that God would not 'permit' abuse of power, so there are no control mechanisms as there are in other organizations. Nobody checks if the elder tribunals follow the WatchTower Society's own laws. Almost by definition, what is done by someone who has 'scriptual' positions of power (Governing Body, Circuit Overseer, elder, husband, father) must be regarded as having God's blessing. So they blame the victim. I've heard and confirmed stories about horrible disfellowshippings, abusive husbands, sexual harassment from elders, sexual assaults from fathers who were upstanding members of the congregation. These things made me want to blow up something. It's not a few bad individuals inside a good organization. It's a few good individuals inside an organization gone bad!"
"I gradually came to the realization that the WatchTower Society had told deliberate lies. I saw that the WatchTower Society had misled me because its writers were intellectually dishonest, either deliberately or by Orwellian doublethink. Most Jehovah's Witnesses virtually worship the WatchTower Society, so they are not open to discussion about these things."
"When there was an announcement that I had been publicly reproved, there was no description of my 'crime', leaving folks to ponder and gossip about the nature of my indiscretion. The blanket 'public reproval' was used on people of all sorts, from child molesters to drunks. I was none of those things."
Indoctrination Themes
"After leaving, I had no idea how to live, or why I should behave in a moral fashion. All of the reasons I'd been given ("Jehovah said so") were now inoperative, so I had to start from the beginning."
"I couldn't stand the ubiquitous double-think, double-speak and double standards that affect every aspect of the Jehovah's Witness life. I also disliked the WatchTower Society's consistent distortion of their own history to make it fit present teachings and self-image."
"I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness, and that taught me everything about how to live. When I left, it was like having the universe pulled out from underneath me. When I no longer believed in the WatchTower Society doctrine, I had to figure out all of life's moral issues from scratch. I was a like a new-born baby. It took me years before I started to get a handle on the problem."
"For years after I left the Jehovah's Witnesses, I felt 'bad' or 'evil'. I felt that I had left because I was weak -- that I didn't measure up. Intellectually, I couldn't explain the feeling, because I found plenty of holes in Jehovah's Witness theology once I widened my research. But the years of conditioning had affected me. I didn't realize I had an emotional problem, not an intellectual one."
"I was bothered by their insistence on not thinking for yourself or reading 'unapproved' materials."
"One thing in particular was what happened when I refused to place Watchtower magazines telling that humans were not using their brains for thinking, but their hearts."
Doctrinal Themes
"Dates and prophetic failures were a sore point with me. I see the date compulsion among Jehovah's Witnesses as an outworking of the dark side of judgmentalism, as if they were saying, 'Since these dates and time dispensations have been revealed only to us, this proves how right we are and how wrong you are.' After coming to see the degree of absoluteness of previous Watchtower Society predictions, such as the 1844/1874/1878/1914 series, I got to the point where, when going to a meeting, I would become filled with rage every time I heard a date. My inability to listen to dates -- or to teach anything about dates -- was crucial to my stopping meeting attendance."
"Watchtower thinking is shallow at best. I now consider myself a psychological polytheist, a concept psychologist James Hillman coined to describe the movement toward 'the many' from 'the one thought'. This also describes a movement toward perspective (as in many perspectives) and imagination. This psychological perspective is the home of all artists, who understand the world poetically and musically, movements toward deliteralization. The Watchtower Society worldview is literal: dot all the i's and cross all the t's. It is a religion for psychological children who still want mommy to tell them how to tie their shoes."
"They lied to us. I had always been so proud that my religion admitted its mistakes. Yes, we did make mistakes in the past but these have been corrected, so that means it will get better and better. Right? Wrong. I did my research and discovered all the misquotes, distortions, past errors, false prophecies covered over, and direct lies. It simply blew away all the respect I had for Brooklyn. I looked at them with new eyes, somewhat cynical, and I lost the blind trust I had in those old men who held the whole system together. When this trust disappeared, there was nothing left for me in the Jehovah's Witnesses."
"I was bothered by the whole blood issue. Yeah, I was one of those who probably would have died rather than take a transfusion. But when I could see how dishonest and stupid the whole argumentation was, it got me real angry. I threw my 'no blood' card away, and suddenly I understood why ex-Witnesses often get bitter. The other lies were bad, but this thing could have killed me, and it has killed perhaps hundreds of Jehovah's Witnesses."
WHY IS IT SO HARD TO LEAVE?
It is not easy to leave Jehovah's Witnesses. I asked two people (one an ex-Witness, and one on the way out) for their observations on the process. This is what they wrote (edited for clarity).
Commentary by "Out":
Over a period of many years, I found more and more examples where the Society had changed its position, replacing old understanding with "New Light". It bothered me, but what were the alternatives?
If a Jehovah's Witness decides that some doctrine is wrong, what does he do about it? By far the easiest choice is to ignore the problem and go about his business as if nothing happened.
I think that most new Jehovah's Witnesses learn very quickly that this is required of them. Those who cannot conform quickly leave. Those who have been Jehovah's Witnesses for a long time are experienced in the art of pulling the wool over their own eyes, so the latest proposal of "new light" is often welcomed as a fine opportunity to learn something new.
What if a Jehovah's Witness decides to protest? He won't get very far because the entire organization is tuned against dissent. What if a Jehovah's Witness decides to quit? Usually, after many years in the religion, a Jehovah's Witness is so tied up with social contacts that it's almost impossible to leave.
What happens to a Circuit Overseer who sacrificed his career for the Society? If he happens to land in Bethel, he and his wife have a fairly easy time; all their material needs are taken care of. If they leave, they have to worry about earning a living, paying rent, buying food and all sorts of things Bethelites take for granted. How many people would willingly put such a comfortable position in jeopardy?
Commentary from "On the Way Out":
Logic is not quite sufficient to break away. In basic rhetoric, there are three forms of argumentation: logos, ethos, and pathos. Logos is obviously logic, facts, and so on. Pathos is the emotional appeal, and ethos is your "air of authority" -- how much your listener trusts you.
Obviously, anyone branded an apostate would lack in ethos to a Jehovah's Witness, but can be convincing with the other two (logos and pathos). I think what helped me was that at the same time I learned certain important facts, I also experienced the dark side of the WatchTower Society, such as elders who took advantage of their position. Though elders are bound by rules and some good principles, there are few checks on their power. A "sheep" must submit to the elders' actions; anything else is considered resistance to Jehovah's arrangement.
When Jehovah's Witnesses feel that the doctrine is seriously flawed, they fall back on the idea that this is a "spiritual paradise", and there is no where else to go. "I must stay at all costs," they say, "it means my life". They may also say, "I can't be disloyal" or "Satan is trying to break my integrity".
These are emotional responses. So strong is their attachment to the WatchTower Society that facts alone aren't likely to help. They are happy with their friends. They feel righteous in their works. They are in awe of the smooth operation of the organization. Most of all, because they believe this is God's organization, they are sure that all the problems will be taken care of when God decides to act. They consider it haughty and presumptuous to want the problems solved before then. They repress their doubts and look forward to better days.
Even when we look at extremist cults, we see people armed with plenty of facts, who are intelligent, yet still do crazy things if the emotion is powerful enough. They use their mental facilities to justify the course that has been chosen emotionally, to make it sound rational.
I think that is why endless conversations with the same person quickly reach a point of diminishing returns. That person may have some emotional attachment that is not stated explicitly, and if that is not dealt with, inconvenient facts can be forgotten. The WatchTower Society provides a world-view that is simple and certain. Such security is difficult to abandon, so Jehovah's Witnesses usually retreat mentally when it is threatened by facts. Unless the person has a deep desire for truth, or a great respect for reason, the emotional hook must be removed before a Jehovah's Witness can make the frightening decision to break free from the dictates of men.
WHAT IS A HIGH CONTROL GROUP?
When I discuss groups like the Jehovah's Witnesses, I prefer to use the term "high control group" (HCG), instead of "cult". These groups are characterized by the methods they use to instill ideology and maintain obedience.
These techniques are well documented. They apply to Jehovah's Witnesses and countless other HCG's. Here are some of the better known methods.
-- Simplistic Thinking: Issues are expressed as polar opposites, with no gray areas. Things are black or white, us or them, good or bad.
-- Time Pressure: You are given so much to do that you never have time to stand back and think objectively about what you are being taught.
-- Peer Pressure: Your conformity is attained by exploiting your natural need to belong.
-- Isolation: You are separated from society, friends or family, either physically or psychologically. You are led to believe that you made the choice yourself, to avoid "bad influence".
-- Insulation: Facts at odds with what you are taught are explained away by saying that they are lies created to mislead you. You are taught that people outside the group conspire to ensnare you. If you continue to be concerned, you are referred to the group's reference material rather than outside sources.
-- Demonization: Groups or entities are identified (e.g. "Evil Slave Class", Satan, Christendom) as an object example of the evil outside the group. Some of these groups or entities might not actually exist.
-- Special Status: You are told that you belong to a group of chosen ones with a special mission.
-- Elevation of Persecution: Any negative actions taken against the group are taken as proof that the outside world is trying to destroy it.
-- Guilt: You are made to question your worthiness, and your past sins are exaggerated. You are consistently led to believe that you are not "doing enough".
-- Fear: Your loyalty and obedience are maintained through warnings of serious physical or spiritual repercussions if you do not conform.
-- Authority: You are discouraged from expressing doubt or questioning the words of the "higher authority" (a charismatic leader, elders, or the organization as a whole).
-- Apocalyptics: You are taught that everything will work out well because a magical solution is coming. The solution usually involves the destruction or subjugation of those outside the group.
-- Scrupulosity: You are taught explicit rules concerning conduct, appearance, and behaviour. Spontaneity is discouraged.
-- Uncompromising Discipline: Disagreement is dealt with harshly, which discourages open discussion of alternative views.
-- Conditioning: You are taught to react instantly to situations with approved responses, rather than acting thoughtfully. For example, you are taught to answer questions instantly by quoting from approved sources rather than thinking about the question.
-- Thought-Stopping: You are discouraged from thinking along lines that are not in accord with what you are supposed to believe. Eventually, this becomes a habit, and you lose your ability to think critically.
-- Subjugation: You are taught that the group's goals outweigh your needs, and that your personal problems are mere weaknesses which can be ignored if you are strong enough.
Your best defense against these techniques is knowledge. Once you are aware what is being done, you can start to resist. Eventually, though, you may find it necessary to distance yourself from the group, because your doubts will become evident, and the group will react accordingly.
In the case of the Jehovah's Witnesses, often the best approach is to slowly withdraw. This may save your friends and family from the pain of seeing you disfellowshipped -- and being told they can not speak to you.
Different congregations have different levels of tolerance. Some congregations will disfellowship you at the first sign of doubt. So before you withdraw, take care to set up some outside contacts, so you don't find yourself alone if you are ejected from the group.
If you are thinking about leaving the WatchTower Society, you are already questioning the doctrines. Although this article is a stepping-stone to help you get away, I do not have room to provide detailed deconstructions of WatchTower Society doctrine. I hope this helps you in your quest to free yourself. Please remember, though, that the intellectual process is only the first step. If you have been a Witness for a long time, your main challenge is to overcome the conditioning -- and that is an emotional issue rather than an intellectual one.
Once you are intellectually free of the Society, you need to reach out to others to help you rejoin the mainstream world. I wrote a poem about this...
FOR YOU
Long ago, a child-like time: the Tower set my stride
I'd bellow out the Kingdom songs; my heart would fill with pride
Of knowing I was on the path to righteousness and life
Looking forward to the end of misery and strife
Then one day I looked around and found myself alone
My faith was dry, my hopes had fled, serenity was gone
The ones I loved had turned their backs and heartlessly refused
To speak, so by their silence I was bitterly abused
In the menace of the world, I stumbled to and fro
Seeking here and searching there, but nowhere could I go
'Til at last I found my place, and joy beyond compare
Where no-one cares just what I've done; where people simply care.
If you are seriously thinking about leaving the Society, you should seek out help from others. Keep your options open -- don't get tied down to the first "solution" that presents itself. Beware of "critical love"; if people can't accept you for who you are, just what do they want? The world is full of warm, wonderful, caring people. You will find them if you look.
RECOMMENDED READING
Crisis of Conscience by Raymond Franz. Commentary Press, Atlanta. A Governing Body member's experience in coming out of the Witnesses. If you read no other book about leaving, you should read this one.
In Search of Christian Freedom by Raymond Franz. Commentary Press, Atlanta. A former Governing Body member's analysis of how the Witnesses go wrong in the application of Christian principles.
The Sign of the Last Days: When? by Carl Olof Jonsson and WolfGang Herbst. Commentary Press, Atlanta. A detailed study of how the Witnesses go wrong in claiming there are biblical "signs of the last days" evident since 1914.
The Gentile Times Reconsidered by Carl Olof Jonsson. Hart Publishers, Lethbridge, Alberta, Canada. A commentary on the the Society's chronology about 1914.
The Orwellian World of Jehovah's Witnesses by Heather and Gary Botting. University of Toronto Press. Available in cloth ISBN 0-8020-2537-4) or paperback (ISBN 0-8020-6545-7).
Apocalypse Delayed: The Story of Jehovah's Witnesses by M. James Penton. University of Toronto Press, Toronto.
Deadly Doctrines by Wendell W. Watters MD. Prometheus Books.